Lesson 4: Taking on New Roles
Welcome to lesson 4 of our online
program Strengthening Your Marriage
During the Transition to Parenthood. Last week we discussed the importance
of self-care and stress relief. Rachael took you through a breathing exercise/
meditation. We hope that you and your partner have been able to use these
exercises to help you relieve some stress and prepare you for when your baby
comes. In the transition to parenthood also comes the stress of taking on new
roles. You will no longer be a family consisting of a husband and wife; you are
becoming a mother and a father. This week we are going to discuss the
experiences, challenges, and importance of taking on these new roles as a
mother and father and how to take on these roles with confidence. Motherhood
We’ll begin with the new role of
becoming a mother. As women we expect the transition to motherhood to be this
glorious new change in our lives. We picture decorating the nursery, singing
nursery rhymes to our new little baby; we picture our new little family and a
life full of bliss. Motherhood does come with a newfound joy, but it can also
come with unexpected challenges and stress. In this Ted talk, Alexandra Sacks
discusses the expectations of the transition into motherhood She states, “When
you preserve a separate part of your identity,
you’re also leaving room for your child to develop their own. When a
baby is born, so is a mother.” Listen to Alexandra talk about a realistic
perspective of becoming a mother.
Most of the expectations a new
mother has for herself are unrealistic.
Dr. Sacks describes some of the struggles that she sees in her practice
as a reproductive psychiatrist. She
listens to the women that come in and describe feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction. While they were not clinically depressed,
they were struggling with finding themselves in this new role. We don’t want to sugar coat this transition,
and Dr. Sacks said it best, “discomfort does not equal disease.” At the end of Alexandra’s talk, she suggests
finding support in other mothers or your spouse. Because you and your spouse
are taking on new roles together, the transition into parenthood is a great
time to strengthen your support for one another. Alexandra also provides inspiration
to accept your new identity as a mother.
“The ‘naturalness’ of wanting and enjoying motherhood has
been explored and challenged by several scholars who show the force of gendered
expectations that conflate motherhood and femininity...Perhaps the most important factor influencing women's attitudes
about the importance of motherhood should be motherhood itself (McQuillan et
al, 2008).” We love this aspect of the research because it gives so much room
for interpretation for each individual mother and her unique situation. Just like no two children are the same, no
two mothers are the same. The experience
is uniquely yours, and how you feel about it is completely up to you! Yes, there are similarities in
motherhood. Where we want to caution you
is against the tendency of young mothers to compare and judge themselves against
your perception of how other mothers are doing it better than you, simply
because that will only end in you feeling like you are less than. Your perception and attitude on being a
mother is completely yours to find, and in the end, we all want to be a good
mom. We love this video that Similac
produced about motherhood, and we hope it highlights how to give yourself some
grace, as well as extending that courtesy to other mothers and fathers.
Men and women each have unique roles
in their children’s lives. Research has proven that women are the primary
source of physical comfort and safety. Mothers play a strong role in shaping
overall safety and emotional health (Mallers et al 2010). Women, you are
entering a new stage in life accompanied by a new identity. You have an
incredible role to look forward to. Take this opportunity as you are
transitioning into parenthood to accept your new identity and make room to help
your child develop their own. Take a few moments to write down your thoughts
and feelings of becoming a new mother. Write down 10 things that you are
looking forward to in becoming a mother and share them with your husband. Keep in mind, there is no one way to be a
perfect parent.
Fatherhood
Husbands, just as your wives are
taking on and learning to accept their new identity as a mother, you are taking
on a new identity and role as a father. This new role is equally as important
as motherhood. While it is a common notion that a father’s responsibility is to
provide for the family, your role expands into so much more.
“Fathers more often engage the child
in physical and stimulating interaction during play. Research has shown that
through these active play behaviors, including roughhousing, talking and
recreational activities children have the opportunity to develop emotion
regulation and problem-solving skills. In addition, men more than women, often
encourage children to take risks, while at the same time ensure their safety
and provide an environment where children learn to navigate through unfamiliar
situations and to stand up for themselves (as cited in Mallers et al, 2010).”
In the video below, former US president, Barack Obama, and
Chief Petty officer Lehnen, share personal experience and the importance of
becoming a father. Chief Lehnen discusses both the fears and joys that he
experienced in becoming a first time father.
Husbands, you have a new opportunity
and challenge ahead of you. Think about yourself in your new role as a father and
ask yourself how you can dedicate yourself to your children and be there for
them in any stage of life. Imagine yourself in your new identity and share your
thoughts and feelings with your wife.
A study conducted in 2004 by Thomas
Condon shed some light in on the transition into parenthood for men was hardest
during the pregnancy, and not after the baby arrived. We found this very interesting and after
talking with our husbands about it, we understand why. When a man receives the news that he is going
to be a father for the first time, it is a wave of emotions. Excitement, happiness and as Rachael’s
husband put it, ‘bewilderment.’ It also
is accompanied with a lot of anxiety about the future. Will I be a good dad? Can I provide for my wife and child? What is
our marriage going to look like after the baby comes? In the study, it found that the biggest
predictor of successful transition was the ability to communicate these worries
with the mother, as well a good support system in parents and friends. So guys, this is your time to practice
sharing your emotions with your partner and your friends. It will help you and your ability to be a
father in the short and long term!
Recent studies have proven that
“When fathers were more involved (caring, playing, communicating) in infancy,
children had decreased mental health symptomatology at 9 years of age. Fathers
engaged in more roughhouse play, and their involvement in play with
preschoolers predicted decreased externalizing and internalizing behavior
problems and enhanced social competence.” Fathers have a strong influence in
shaping a child’s sense of industry, competence in handling and adapting to new
challenges, and how to manage emotions and stressful situations (Mallers et al,
2018).
Homework
Assignment
This week we want you to pull out
your journals. Read this lesson again,
and as you do jot down any thoughts, feelings, or even ideas you have about
becoming a new mother or father. If it
helps, go back to lesson three and practice the meditation exercise to help all
the other distractions settle before re-reading this lesson. Once you both have re-read and taken notes
about what you learned, come together with your spouse and talk about it. This
is a great opportunity to connect with your spouse and really get to know them
in a different light. You are both going
to be parents, or have recently become parents, so things are getting really
real! Take time to talk about what you
are afraid of, or what brings you the most anxiety. Explore what you want to do differently than
your parents, and what you would like to do the same. One example Rachael had was that her husband
absolutely did not want the babies sleeping in their bed. Rachael agreed with the stipulation that when
the baby cried at night and needed to be fed, Damon would get up and bring the
baby to her so she could nurse, and then he would take the baby back to bed. Some things will have to be figured out once
the baby arrives, but this exercise will give you a good idea of where you and
your spouse are at.
We are excited to go on to our fifth
lesson next week, and we are talking all about family values and goals. Stay tuned!
Please fill out our evaluation to help us improve future lessons:
References
Condon, J.T. (2004) The
First-Time Fathers Study: a prospective study of the mental health and
wellbeing of men during the transition to parenthood."
Australian and New Zealand journal of
psychiatry 38. 56-64.
Mallers, M. H., Charles, S. T., Neupert, S. D., &
Almeida, D. M. (2010). Perceptions of
childhood relationships with mother
and father: daily emotional and stressor experiences in adulthood. Developmental psychology, 46(6), 1651-61.
McQuillan, J., Greil, A. L., Scheffler, K. M., &
Tichenor, V. (2008). The Importance of
Motherhood among Women in the
Contemporary United States. Gender &
society : official publication of Sociologists for Women in Society, 22(4), 477-496.
Yogman, M., & Garfield, C. F. (2016, July 01). Fathers'
Roles in the Care and Development of
Their Children: The Role of
Pediatricians. Retrieved from
http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/138/1/e20161128
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