Lesson 3: Self Care and Stress Relief
Welcome back! We hope
that you took the time to incorporate the activities in lesson two. If you are taking notes or have a personal
journal, it might be a good idea to write down what you learned or any insights
you had while doing the action items at the end of the lesson.
For Shayla and I, writing thoughts and impressions down is a
great way to retain the applied knowledge.
Journal writing can be a way to remember thoughts and ideas of how you
can make those important small deposits in your spouse’s emotional bank account,
as well as things that you think might help your spouse make deposits in yours.
Are you ready for lesson
three? We are really excited about the
concepts in this lesson and we hope you enjoy it as much as we enjoyed writing
it. Before we launch into the lessons
that will help you maintain and strengthen your marriage when the baby arrives,
we want to write about something that is very important. This topic is
important for both husband and wife. We have all heard “Happy Wife, Happy
Life”, but how about, “Happy Spouse, Peaceful House.” We are talking about
stress relief and the importance of self-care. During pregnancy it is
preparation, excitement, and all things tiny.
After the baby arrives? This is
when it gets real. You will experience a huge shift in
priorities. This can be overwhelming.
This is normal. It is expected. You are
going to be okay, we promise!! You may
also find that you feel depleted from out of balance hormones, sleep
deprivation, or anxiety and frustration. It is okay. You are not alone in
this, though at times it may feel like it.
If you are struggling or lonely, please reach out to someone for
help. It may be hard, but we promise you
will feel better. Talk to a trusted
friend or parent (the one that won’t make you feel guilty for having a hard time
because you’ve just been blessed with a new baby) and please make time for
yourself. In John and Julie Gottman’s
book that we recommend called And Baby
Makes Three, the Gottman’s found that babies are highly attuned to the
emotional dynamic in the home. “The greatest gift a couple can give their
baby is a loving relationship, because that relationship nourishes Baby’s
development.” This lesson we are focusing on how to take care of
yourself, so you can better care for your spouse and your new baby. Happy Baby, Happy Spouse, Peaceful
house!
Research has shown a dramatic
decrease in moderate to vigorous exercise in first time parents, and especially
new mothers. (Bellows-Riechen &
Rhodes, 2008) Ironically a sedentary lifestyle actually decreases, while there
is an increases in light physical activity when becoming parents. This
means that while new moms and dads are not sitting around all day but are busy
with running around and caring for a baby, there is much less exercise
happening. While taking care of a sweet
newborn is physically and emotionally taxing, it isn’t the same as a
workout. For a mother and father to
benefit from the much needed health and mental benefits from exercise, it needs
to be moderate to vigorous exercise. (Rhodes
et al., 2014) The Mayo Clinic recommends that adults engage in 150
minutes of moderate exercise a week, or 75 minutes of vigorous exercise a
week. People who exercise
regularly not only show improved physical benefits, but mental health benefits
as well. Personal anecdote: Hi
guys! This is Rachael writing. After the birth of our second child, my
husband and I unknowingly stumbled into road cycling. We rode 3-4 times a week and we were happier
and more relaxed from the exercise benefits, and it helped our
relationship. I was able to support my
husband when he wanted to go for a ride, and I felt equally supported when he
would take care of the kids so I could go out for a ride. Our dates turned into rides together and we
still look back on those rides around the Air Force Academy with such
fondness. Those
sessions of vigorous exercise helped me in so many ways. I felt happier from the endorphins, but what
really made the difference for me was that I made myself a priority. You can’t give from an empty well. You need to take care of yourself, and
support your spouse in their self-care efforts as well. You child will benefit from having parents
that love and care for themselves!
Now let’s
tie this in to the first lesson. When you know your partner’s goals in
life, or their interests and areas of importance in their life, you can make a
difference in supporting your spouse with their goals and dreams by making time
for them to exercise or get out and take care of themselves. When you
actively support and encourage your partner to take care of themselves, you are
helping them be a better parent. When
your partner encourages and supports you, you feel valued, supported and loved
by your spouse. This is a total win win
win for you, your spouse and your baby.
Not all self-care is vigorous
exercise. We totally get that it isn’t feasible to do a crazy run or spin
class every day. But what you CAN do is breathe. Take a minute or two, and just simply
breathe. Researchers are studying the
application of meditation in everything from elementary schools to inmates in
the prison system. Why? Because meditation is a literal game changer for
your mental state and self-awareness. In
fact, a study done in Ireland of first-time mothers who followed a Dru Yoga
program (a type of yoga and meditation) for four weeks found that at the end of
the four weeks, the mothers who participated showed an increase in problem
focused coping and a decrease in dysfunctional coping. In other words,
taking a few minutes a day to breathe and give your mind a break can actually
help you be a better parent. Think of
mediation like a pause button for your mind.
For our activity this week, Rachael is going to take you through a
little breathing exercise/ meditation.
We hope you try this out and see what you think. Rachael uses mediation in the morning and at
night, just a few minutes each day really makes a difference! In a study done in UK, new parents attended a
class where meditation and mindfulness practices were introduced. Consistent
meditation, even just a few minutes a day has been shown to improve
mindfulness, but more importantly reduced occurrence if anxiety and depression
in new parents, and improved executive functioning (Warriner, Crane, Dymond
& Krusche, 2018). All from just a
few minutes a day! Think about it, if
you take just a few deep breaths it shifts your mind from reaction based coping
strategies to problem solving strategies.
In a hypothetical world, this may
look like a mother who can’t seem to figure out why their baby is crying. She has tried everything she can think of but
can’t think of anything else to help soothe her baby. She eventually sits down on the floor with
her new baby and starts crying herself because she is so tired and feels like
she doesn’t have a clue on how to be a good mom. OR perhaps this new mom has taken a few
moments for herself to meditate before the baby wakes up, or while her husband is
taking care of the baby. She handles the
situation by remembering that there was something in the Gottman book ‘And Baby
Makes Three’ about learning your baby’s cries.
She swaddles the baby and finds the book, searches the chapters and
finds what she is looking for. She tries
a few things, and the magic ticket was simply taking the baby for a walk
outside. (Side note from Rachael, this
works almost every single time with an overly tired or overly stimulated baby.) The difference with these two tired mamas is
that one was emotionally reacting to the situation and the other, while still
tired and unsure, was able to help herself and her baby by problem solving from
a calmer mental state. 
You may be
reading this and thinking, “Okay sure, I have heard this all before.” Exercise
and mediation are powerful and proven ways to help keep your physical and
emotional state in a good place. You
know what is also a great way to take care of yourself? Laughter.
In a study done in 2009 researchers looked at how humor played a part in
adult and adolescent positive self-concept and ability to handle stress. What they found is that those people who they
found to be ‘high- humor’ individuals were not only happier, but also were able
to come back from stressful life events faster and with a more positive
attitude. The difference they found in
high-humor individuals versus not is that they were able to laugh at aspects of
their situation or even themselves, despite the hard circumstances. (Martin et al. 2009) If there was ever a time to laugh at
yourself, it is parenthood. When else are you going to have pee and vomit on
you at the same time, and not change your shirt because then there will be more
laundry for you to do? To highlight some
of the oddities and hilarity of a new parent, we have linked some of the
funniest articles and videos we could find to help you laugh and see that you
are definitely not alone in this.
Last but definitely not least, these ladies of #imomsohard don’t
make you laugh, we don’t know what will.
To sum up, self-care is learning what works for you. Check in with yourself and see what helps you
feel your best. Don’t be afraid to ask
for what you need to make that happen! There
are so many ways to self-care.
Lesson four is coming up. We are going to go over the importance of
defining family roles, so everyone knows what needs to be done so we can
achieve that Happy Baby, Happy Spouse, Peaceful House!
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References
Bellows-Riecken
K.H., Rhodes R.E. (2008) A birth of inactivity? A review of physical activity
and parenthood. Preventive Medicine, 46
(2) (2008), pp. 99-110, 10.1016/j.ypmed.2007.08.003
Gottman, M.J.
& Gottman, J.S. (2007) And baby makes
three. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
Laskowski, E.R.
(2018) How much should the average adult exercise every day? Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/fitness/expert-answers/exercise/faq-20057916
MARTIN, R.,
KUIPER, N., OLINGER, L., et al. (2009). Humor, coping with stress,
self-concept, and psychological well-being. Humor - International Journal
of Humor Research, 6(1), pp. 89-104. Retrieved 26 Nov. 2018, from
doi:10.1515/humr.1993.6.1.89
Rhodes R.E.,
Blanchard C.M., Benoit C., Levy-Milne R., Naylor P.J., Symons Downs D.,
Warburton D.E. (2014) Social cognitive correlates of physical activity across
12 months in cohort samples of couples without children, expecting their first
child, and expecting their second child.
Health Psychology, 33 (8) (2014), pp. 792-802, 10.1037/a0033755
Timlin, D., &
Simpson, E. E. A. (2017). A preliminary randomized control trial of the effects
of Dru yoga on psychological well-being in Northern Irish first time mothers.
Midwifery, 46, 29–36. https://dio.org/10.1016/j/midw.2017.01.005
Warriner, S.,
Crane, C., Dymond, M., & Krusche, A. (2018). An evaluation of
mindfulness-based childbirth and parenting courses for pregnant women and
prospective fathers/partners within the UK NHS
(MBCP-4-NHS). Midwifery, 64, 1–10. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.midw.2018.05.004
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