Lesson 2: Emotional Support in Marriage
Welcome back to Lesson 2! Last week we started off our program by discussing the foundation of friendship in marriage. Along with building a strong friendship bond in your marriage, it’s also important to sustain one another emotionally. This week we will be talking about the importance of emotional support in marriage.
This concept was introduced to us in a marriage class through Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Shapiro in the book called, “Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.” This book is a New York Times Bestseller and has sold over a million copies. Completely researched based, this book will break it down on how to be a better spouse. These guys really know their stuff, which is why we feel the concept of emotional bank accounts is so important when expecting your first child.
Here is Rachael’s real life example: With each of my pregnancies I would go through this phase that my husband referred to as ‘the crazy nesting phase’. Nesting is completely normal, but I think that I may have taken it to a whole new level of nuts. Think scrubbing baseboards at 9:00 PM eight months pregnant, nuts. While that was wholly unnecessary, one thing I did do was make freezer meals. I made probably close to 20 dinners that I could pull out and put in the oven, or throw in the crock pot on days where I was just too tired or overwhelmed to cook. This was my mom survival bank account, and I made deposits way before I would actually need to make a withdrawal. Emotional bank accounts work in a similar fashion, expect instead of storing food in the freezer, you deposit sweet comments, a reassuring touch, or other little things that you know your partner likes.
In one of Gottman’s studies the researchers conducted a longitudinal study that looked at what happens to a marriage after the birth of their first child. What they found was that 67% of marriages reported a decline in marriage satisfaction. Fighting increased, emotional intimacy declined, adding to that couples are sleep deprived, overwhelmed and overworked. Romance and physical intimacy took a nosedive. The results are of this study are not meant to scare you, but to stress the importance of the emotional bank account. Gottman also found another interesting statistic. Of those successful couples studied, the ratio of positive interactions (both verbal and non-verbal) to negative was 5 positive interactions to 1 negative. Five to one! At Least!! These can be simple things like compliments, expressions of gratitude for the simplest of things, and physical reassurances. Viola Polomeno stated that “Emotional intimacy and closeness are regarded as being significant aspects of marital quality and satisfaction.Mutual understanding and support between the partners are important parts of good communication within the relationship — mutual understanding seems to be essential for the well-being of the parents (Polemeno, 2007).” Things like holding hands, a kiss on the cheek, simply letting your partner know that you are aware of them and love them go a long way with deposits in the emotional bank account.
In this video clip from the movie Up, Carl and his wife Ellie portray some simple yet profound ways to support each other emotionally.
Through small activities such as picnics and decorating a house, to a heartbreaking loss of a child, Carl and Ellie are always there for one another to hold a hand or offer a kiss on the cheek. They understand each other emotionally and are constantly showing their love and care to one another.
Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D, a psychotherapist wrote an article about emotional fitness on Psychology Today. He offers 10 great tips on how to get and give emotional support to each other;
1. Touch each other often. Most people are touch starved. Holding hands, walking arm in arm and cuddling on the couch are just some of the simple ways to share this very powerful experience.
2. Be respectful of your partner's feelings. If the one you love is dealing with a loss or a disappointment let him or her know that you are available to talk. Also, letting your partner have the space he or she needs to process feelings is a way of showing that you care.
3. Give small gifts just because. Being surprised every once in a while helps to keep the romance alive and lets your mate know you think he or she is something special.
4. Compliment your partner in front of other people. Saying nice things about your mate in the presence of friends or associates is one of the most supportive things you can do. Not only will it make your partner feel good about themselves, it will make him or her feel great about you.
5. Disagree with your partner in a kind and loving way. Never judge or reject your mates ideas or desires without first considering them. If you have a difference of opinion that's fine, as long as you express it with kindness.
6. Say "I love you". Actually hearing it is important to many people. Sure, there are many ways you show your love, but actually saying the three little words will reassure your partner.
7. Never ignore your loved one's presence. There is nothing more hurtful than being treated like you don't exist. Even if you're angry at the moment, it's no reason to be rude to the person who loves you. Stop and think what life would be like if your sweetheart wasn't with you.
8. Listen deeply and take in what your partner is saying. Knowing that you are being heard is very nurturing. It is also the best way to heal old wounds and prevent misunderstandings. Paraphrasing what your partner has said is a great way to let him or her know you are tuned in.
9. Speak in a loving tone and remember to smile. Almost half of communication is tonal and a little more than half is visual. Speaking in a sincere and loving tone will let your loved one know you are coming from a caring place.
10. If your partner is having a rough time, pull out all the stops. Don't hold back on helping or minimize your mate's troubles. Having the person you love by your side when things are rocky is a true gift.
Lesson Activity:
EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT EXERCISE
The purpose of this exercise is to give input to, and receive from, your partner those areas of your lives which could benefit most from more emotional connection.
Below is a long list of activities that some couples do together – everything from washing dishes
to going bowling. Choose the three that you most wish your partner would do with you.
You can also circle an item if you and your spouse already do it jointly but you would like for them to do so more frequently or your spouse was more there emotionally
during the activity. Avoid making this a competition, or a “tit for tat.”
The goal is to focus on what YOU can do to improve your marriage – not on what your spouse should be doing but isn’t.
2. Shop for groceries. Make up the shopping list.
3. Cook dinner, bake.
4. Clean house, do laundry.
5. Shop together for gifts or clothes (for self, kids, or friends).
6. Go out for brunch or dinner
7. Read the morning paper together.
8. Help each other with a self-improvement plan (e.g., a new class, exercise)
9. Plan and host a dinner party.
10. Call and/or think about each other during the workday.
11. Stay overnight at a romantic hideaway.
12. Eat breakfast together during the work week.
13. Go to a church, mosque, or synagogue together.
14. Do yard work, shovel the walk, do home repairs, car maintenance, and washing.
15. Perform committee work in the community (e.g., volunteering).
16. Exercise together.
17. Go on weekend outings (e.g., picnic, drives)
19. Go on fun outings (go to the zoo, sports games, etc.)
20. Attend a work dinner together.
21. Stay in touch with/spend time with parents, in-laws, siblings
22. Entertain out-of-town guests.
23. Travel together (plane, bus, train, car).
24. Watch a tv series or movie together
25. Order take out.
26. Double-date with friends.
27. Attend sporting events.
28. Engage in a favorite activity (e.g., bowl, go to amusement park, bicycle, etc.)
29. Have a romantic stay-at-home date.
30. Listen to music.
31. Go dancing or attend a concert
32. Host a holiday party.
33. Have hot chocolate and talk to each other by an open fire.
34. Support your nieces or nephews hobbies (go to a game, recital, or play)
35. Pay bills together
36. Write letters or cards
37. Deal with family medical events (take kids to the doctor, dentist, or emergency
room).
39. Go to a community event (church auction, etc.)
40. Go to a party.
41. Drive to or from work together.
42. Celebrate milestones in your marriage
43. Celebrate other milestones in your lives (promotion, retirement, etc.)
44. Play board games together
45. Decorate your house or new nursery together
46. Plan vacations.
47. Plan your future together. Dream.
48. Walk the dog.
49. Play a board game or a card game with couple friends
50. Do errands together on a weekend.
51. Engage in new hobbies (painting, sculpting, making music, crafts, etc.)
52. Go out and talk over drinks
53. Find time to just talk without interruptions – find time for spouse to really listen
to you.
54. Philosophize - talk about issues together
55. Mourn together - attend a funeral
56. Do service - Help out other people.
57. Hunt for a new house or apartment.
58. Test-drive new cars.
59. Go shopping for the baby together
60. Attend baby appointments together
Now, share your top three choices with each other so you both know how best to turn toward each other and accrue points.
Warning: Sometimes this exercise generates conflict because one or both spouses will focus on the shortcoming or deficiencies of the other. To avoid this remember that this exercise should be done in a spirit of flattery (that you’re telling your spouse that “I want more of you.”) Rather than be critical of shortcomings in the past, focus on what you would like to have happen now. The real benefit comes when you both look at the three items your partner chose and follow through by committing to do one of them. (modified from John Gottman, Ph.D. The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work)
Looking Ahead
According to Polemeno, 2007, “The actual transition to parenthood involves a number of costs to the parents. The physical demands associated with caring for a child are greater than the parents anticipated. It is the arrival of the first child which is the most challenging as a person changes into a parent and a couple into a family with children.” Next week we will be preparing you for the physical demands associated with transition to parenthood. We will be discussing self-care and stress relief. We look forward to seeing you again next week!
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References
Goldsmith, B. (2011, December 16). 10 Ways to Get and Give Emotional Support. Retrieved
from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201112/10-ways-get-and-give-emotional-support
Polomeno, V. (2007). Marriage in the Transition to Parenthood: How Can Perinatal Education
Help? Or Can It? International Journal of Childbirth Education, 22(2), 21–29. Retrieved from https://byui.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://search-ebscohost-com.byui.idm.oclc.org/login.aspx?direct=true&db=awh&AN=25608601&site=eds-live
Shapiro, A. F., & Gottman, J. M. (2005). Effects on Marriage of a
Psycho-Communicative-Educational Intervention With Couples Undergoing the Transition to Parenthood, Evaluation at 1-Year Post Intervention. Journal of Family Communication, 5(1), 1–24. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327698jfc0501pass:[_]1
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