Lesson 5: Family Goals and Values

Family Goals and Values

Welcome back to lesson five!  Before we start in on our new lesson, take a minute and reflect about the past four lessons you have read through, taken notes on, and hopefully put some things into practice.  This is a lot of information to take in, and we are really excited that you are here.  If you have any questions about the content or concepts taught in these lessons, please leave a comment so we can answer them for you.  

Let’s begin this week with a little self-reflective exercise. Think of your family growing up.  Keeping that in mind, while we introduce this week's topic- family goals and values with a little clip from the Addams family.

            

What is great about this clip is that the Addams family, while completely disturbing, still showed what the ultimate goal of a family is: shared family values, meaning, and purpose.   Similarities between parents and children have often been assumed to be a sign of successful transmission and socialization (Trommsdorff, 2009)  The successful transmission of values is one of the basic family functions.  Like the Addams family, they were able to synchronize familial behavior, social expectations, create a familial identity within the community and  create family loyalty all through the successful transmission of values. (Schwartz & Bardi, 2001) The Addams family, even in this fictional context, shows the power that transmission of values and family culture can have generationally.  

When bringing in a new baby, it brings up more questions.  A single person comes with values instilled in them from their family and their own experience.  When two single people get married, they are blending two sets of values and rituals.  When you add a baby into the mix, understanding your partner and the traditions and values they come with is crucial in coming to a compromise on what values you both want to pass on to your child, as well as what traditions you want to continue in your family.  The goal is to blend the ‘me’ to ‘we’.  What kind of culture and values do you envision for your child?  What dreams or goals have you pictures for them?  How do you see your family in ten years?  Twenty years?  Or even 50?

James Franklin is the head football coach of Penn State University. Franklin spent years studying people and relationships. Throughout his life experiences, he came to the realization of the importance of an overall goal and core values in relationships. He specifically emphasizes fostering good and healthy relationships. Just like Franklin’s football team, how we connect and interact as couples is the best possible way for us to maximize our experiences in our individual lives and as a family.

As we transition into parenthood, we imagine ourselves becoming the best possible mother or father we can be. No one goes into parenthood wanting to be a bad parent.  Franklin talks about how the ultimate teammate is not who’s the best player, but who is the one who has earned everyone’s respect. He’s the one who builds on his relationships. In a family, a husband and wife are a team. This team aspect in your relationship should transition into your roles as mothers and fathers. Your goal together should be not only to be the best you can be as a mother or a father, but also to be the best you can be together as parents.

 Let’s turn this into earning the respect of our spouse and our kids.  Rachael and her husband have been married for 17 years and have four kids.  When we got married, it was two worlds colliding.  Our transition was not the easiest, but it got a lot better when we started seeing the other’s perspective as just as valid as our own.  We learned to respect each other and value our differences.  It is a two sided coin.  You can’t expect to be respected if you don’t treat others with respect.  In a study done on the effectiveness of marital therapy, researchers found that the biggest predictor of success in marriage therapy was actually the couples openness and willingness to compromise.  (Hampton et al. 1999)  Openness is about seeing your spouse's perspective as equally important as your own.  Respecting your spouse is sometimes hard!  I mean, to this day I still do not see the value in buying a full set of Christmas themed pajamas, slippers, and robes for every member of the family to be opened Christmas Eve, worn on Christmas day and then rarely be work again but I do it anyway with a smile on my face because it is the one Christmas tradition my husband loves and wanted to bring into our family.  I respect that it is important to him and I do my best to make it happen.  If I can offer one piece of marital advice that you remember, it is this:  There is more than one right way to do things.  Respecting your spouse, their process, and how they operate will ease so much tension in your marriage.  They may load a dishwasher, change a diaper, or fold the laundry different than you.  Will it drive you crazy?  Yes.  Is the dishwasher loaded, the diaper changed, and the laundry folded?  YES.  Take a breath, thank your spouse, and move on to the next thing.  

Core Values  

            “Values express what is important to a person and function as guiding principles in life . The transmission of values to the next generation is regarded a key task, both within the family and within the broader context of society (as cited in Döring, Makarova, Herzog, & Bardi, 2017).” The values that we instill in our families are what will be the guiding principles for our children’s lives. What values do you want to pass down to your children? Franklin talked about five important core values for his football team that can also be adopted into our families. Below, we summarize each value that he discussed. Take note of any of these values and which ones you might want to instill in your family.

1. Positive Attitude - Be excited and appreciative of new opportunities. Though this core value sounds so simple, we have the ability to control the uncontrollable. No matter what circumstance or challenge we may find ourselves in, we always have the ability to control our attitude.  
2. Work Ethic - Something you can control is waking up every morning and putting a great day’s work in. Every day is an opportunity to prepare and invest. We often compare ourselves to others and what we don’t have. Often times we find ourselves wishing to be a little taller, or look different in some way or another, but those are things that we can’t change. What we can always control is our work ethic. We can always choose to work for what we want.   In relation your growing family, it takes work to create strong bonds as a family.  It is intentional work, but rewarding work. 
3. Compete in everything you do. Competition teaches us not be soft, to not have things handed to us. It fits right in with work ethic. Working hard and competing in all that we do is how we accomplish our goals.  Compete against yourself if nothing else.  Strive to be a little bit better than you were the day before.  As new parents, this can even be little things like ‘today I loaded the dishwasher AND remembered to start it’.  
4. Sacrifice - The most important core value.  Everyone wants success, but are you willing to sacrifice to succeed? We must be willing to sacrifice the common things that other men won’t sacrifice in order to be special. Be disciplined enough to make the small choices every day so you can have the type of success you want.  
5. Create a Collective Mentality - create a culture that we are all working together. While this value is applied to a football team, it applies perfectly to a family dynamic. As a family it’s important to work towards each core value together. As a family works together towards each value, they become guiding principles for each member in the family.

Homework

            Now that we’ve discussed a list of core values, take time to engage in a meaningful conversation with your spouse. Collaborate together, and come up with a list of core values that you would like to pass down to your children. As you are preparing to welcome a new baby into your home, now is the perfect time to reflect on the values that you and your spouse can teach your new son or daughter. Once you are done making your list of your top core values for your family, display it somewhere in your home where you can be constantly reminded to apply them in your life and teach them to your children.

Looking Ahead

            In our final lesson of the program next week, we will be talking about what it means to identify as a new family separate from families of origin. We will also be talking about creating new routines and traditions. We look forward to seeing you again next week!

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References

Döring, A. K., Makarova, E., Herzog, W., & Bardi, A. (2017). Parent-child value similarity in

families with young children: The predictive power of prosocial educational goals. British Journal Of Psychology (London, England: 1953), 108(4), 737–756. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjop.12238

Hampson, R. B., Prince, C. C., & Beavers, W. R. (1999). Marital therapy: qualities of couples who fare better or worse in treatment. Journal of Marital & Family Therapy, 25(4), 411–424. https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.1999.tb00259.x

Trommsdorff, G. & Nauck, B. (2006). Demographic changes and parent-child relationships. Parenting: Science and Practice, 6, 343–360. doi:10.1207/s15327922par0604_4